


The XXXvengers (Title Pending)

by Project0506



Category: Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 06:31:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Project0506/pseuds/Project0506
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wakes up to an America that doesn’t want heroes anymore.<br/>“What am I supposed to do?” Steve asks.  <br/>The man with Howard’s face shrugs.  “Ever thought about porn?”</p>
<p>The Avengers as Porn Stars!  Drama!  Action!  Adventure!  But Mostly Sex!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The XXXvengers (Title Pending)

**Author's Note:**

> To the lovely Jemmy-dear, Eri-doll, SammySamSam and Rorierorie who have, at one point or another, inspired bits of this insult to literature. Enjoy!

He wakes up to an America that doesn’t want heroes anymore.

“The modern American is cynical, untrusting and ungrateful,” Tony says with a twisted smile that leaves no doubt he counts himself among their number.  “They’re not gonna rally together under a banner, and sure as hell not if it’s broad stripes and bright stars.  Face it Steve-o, the time of heroes is gone.”

‘Why didn’t you just leave me there then?’ Steve wants to ask, but doesn’t.  ‘Why did you wake me up for this?  Why didn’t you let me sleep until the world ends?’ 

“What am I supposed to do?” he asks instead. 

The man with Howard’s face shrugs.  “Ever thought about porn?”

* * *

 

It turns out that where Howard made his fortune ‘on the backs of corpses’ (Tony’s words, not Steve’s), his son had chosen an altogether different route.

“Make love, not war!” he crows, holding up both hands with index and middle fingers shaped like Vs.  “Hump it out!”  He’s not ashamed at all, not even a little bit.

Steve, however, spends most of the conversation a brilliant red.

Howard is dead, a car accident less than a month after disowning his only son.  “I don’t make weapons,” Tony insists.  “I only ever did it to make him happy.  The moment I figured out _nothing_ would make him happy, I quit.  Now I make love.  Sweet, sweet love.”

Stane Industries is still a fairly large corporation, nothing compared to what Stark Industries had been before it, but holding its own.  The Strategic Scientific Reserve is still a thing, still funded through a Stark Trust and still looking for him in the Arctic.

“Not that they’d find you,” Tony says smugly.  “Their equipment is shit and a decade outdated.  And their code is worse than shit.  It’s the bugs that eat shit.  They could be parked right over your patriotic head and not see jack.  I got another one of those ‘you’ve disappointed your father’s legacy’ cards from them for my birthday and decided to dig you up for the hell of it.  Fuckers been looking for you for 80 years.  Took me a week.  Who’s the man?  I’m the man.”

* * *

 

It is nearly three months before Steve gives in. 

He is in medical for seven, getting everything and anything tested before being released.  After that he spends another four days in Tony’s… mansion-castle-thing-that-is-definitely-way-more-than-a-house.  The morning of day eleven is when a gaggle of actresses come prancing topless into the kitchen and Steve has to _leave right now_.   Day twelve sees him on the road on a borrowed motorcycle, wearing borrowed leathers and a borrowed helmet, and carrying borrowed cash and a borrowed cellular telephone.  (What?  No really, _what?_   How do they even come that small?)

Day twenty two finds him by the side of the road somewhere outside of Albuquerque, head in his hands and tracking the beat of approaching helicopter blades.  Day twenty three finds him back in Los Angeles, in Tony’s sprawling estate, a man defeated.

Tony, for all his faults, doesn’t even once say ‘I told you so’ when Steve called to admit he can’t handle it, or even hints at it on the ride home.  The man even institutes ‘No Naked Zones’ in the hallway outside and around Steve’s rooms.

Days twenty four through eighty one are spent in a daze of hopelessness and depression.  He roams the mansions halls, half heartedly uses the exercise equipment and kind of simply… exists.

Day eighty two, he asks Tony for a job.

Day eighty two-and-a-half he is given a cubicle with a computer, a telephone with a head set and a private extension, and an exhaustive list of do’s and don’ts.  On day eighty two-and-a-half, Steve Rogers learns about phone sex.


End file.
